This post was originally published on Resting Life during the Springtime in Surrey author blog swap in 2023 (thanks, Erika!)
My Springtime in Surrey story, “The Tussie-Mussie,” deals with self-worth and surrender of control to God. I hadn’t really intended to write about that. Originally, I was going to talk about depression, peer pressure, and following God’s plans instead of what society/everyone else thinks we should do. I thought I already knew about self-worth and surrender of plans to God.
Actually, those themes weren’t as deep as they usually are in my novels—I didn’t have the time for my typical long discourse. This book wasn’t the product of “I just learned this lesson.” Instead, it was more of a reflection of what I was warring about inside. This story was a romance—when I myself was struggling deeply with my own singleness as more and more of my peers (and younger friends!) paired off. It was about friendship—when I felt I was losing my most precious romances. It was about surrendering dreams, when I was hanging so hard on my dreams I almost convinced myself they were real and about to happen.
After the initial writing of the novella, I fell into depression for the first time in nearly a year. There was a lot going on, and I was overwhelmed by all the deadlines and important, big things in my life. From the writing of the novella in March, to the final editing in May, I am ashamed to admit I read my Bible very little, and prayed even less. I was “too busy surviving,” I told myself. In reality, I was avoiding God because I knew my heart had issues and I didn’t want to give them up.
I was battling strongly because I craved being the most important person to someone. I longed for someone’s constance presence. And I wanted a husband to supply all that. Over and over, as I fled from God on social media, He showed me things to remind me I was foolish. I was wrong. Only He could fulfill me in the ways I longed for. Again and again He reminded me what my life goal was—serving God—and that marriage was all about serving God together, not about my desires.
I knew I needed to go to Jesus. Make Him my Friend. The person I longed for. But I was reluctant to give up my dreams. I had specific dreams about my “future husband,” and they had become very dear… all too dear, for now they replaced Jesus. Suddenly I realized that instead of going to Him with my griefs and joys and anger, I thought about how my “ideal” would respond.
Earlier, one of my friends had told me she’d dedicated this year to intentional singleness, pursing Jesus. At the time, I thought it was good, but not for me. But the Lord kept reminding it to me, and eventually, sitting in the pew on Wednesday night, I caved. I felt an urge to write out a prayer and a promise to the Lord, and I did.
Lord, show me Your love so deeply I don’t rely on that of a man. Make Your presence so known to me that I don’t crave another. Be the One most important to me. Make me love You fully, sacrifice for you, live and give for You alone. Lord, I consecrate this year to You. I deliberately let go of my dreams, craves, and stories. I let ho for this year of searching for Mr. Right, of worrying about [all my specific dreams].
As soon as I’d written that, I remembered the theme word and verse that had been laid on my heart for this year: restore, Jeremiah 30:17.
At the time, I’d looked upon the verse as a promise of finding Mr. Right. Now, I saw it differently: a promise of restoration of self-worth. That final giving up of any sliver of “I hope for him this year” was hard. But the peace was immense.
After having made that momentous decision, I pulled out my Bible to catch up on reading my daily Psalms. And as I read, the verses just kept jumping out at me… speaking straight to me.
“I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in His word do I hope. My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning.”
Ps. 130:5-6
and
“Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor mine eyes lofty: neither do I exercise myself in great matters, or in things too high for me. Surely I have behaved and quieted myself, as a child that is weaned of his mother:”
Ps. 131:1-2
And then—
“The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me:”
Ps. 138:8
Such hope in those words!
Then I read Psalm 139 and God started to answer my prayer.
“O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, Thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, Thou knowest it altogether.”
And I wanted someone who was always there to hear me and know all about me!
“Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid Thine hand upon me.”
God-given spiritual hugs? Even better than the physical love I craved.
“Whither shall I go from Thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from Thy presence?If I ascend up into heaven, Thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, Thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; even there shall Thy hand lead me, and Thy right hand shall hold me.”
Like, God is literally everywhere with me. In a way no human can.
“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me;’ even the night shall be light about me. Yea, the darkness hideth not from Thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to Thee.”
Even my depression and grief doesn’t chase Him away. Instead, He comes sit beside me in the darkness.
“I will praise Thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are Thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”
To think I wanted validation from man about my worth!
“How precious also are Thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with Thee.”
Then I cried. What more proof of God’s love did I need? Had He not just told me and showed me plainly how much He loved me?
And as if that chapter of love wasn’t enough, more verses flew out at me while I read on.
“I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul. I cried unto Thee, O Lord: I said, ‘Thou art my refuge and my portion in the land of the living.’”
Ps. 142:5
“Whom have I in heaven but Thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside Thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.”
Ps. 73:25-26
What a powerful reminder that I don’t need someone on my right hand all the time. He is my refuge. And He is my portion—the most important thing I have.
“The eyes of all wait upon Thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest Thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing. He will fulfil the desire of them that fear Him.”
Ps. 145:15-16, 19
“No good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man that trusteth in Thee.”
Ps. 84:11-12
Talk about words of hope!
These words don’t confirm God will give me what right now I desire. But they confirm that He will not keep from me ANY GOOD THING. He will not leave me unsatisfied. The closer I get to Him, the more He will realign my desires. The ones He answers may not be the ones I have now. But whatever they are, they will be satisfactory. And whatever I don’t have, WASN’T A GOOD THING FOR ME.
Does it mean right now I don’t still hope someday marriage in in the plans for me? No. But I do know this:
“Yes—the Lord could grant her the dreams of her heart—or He could grant her far better. She would wait on Him. He would provide for her family—He would give her life purpose—all in His time.”
The Tussie-Mussie, chapter 9
Little Blossoms for Jesus 